


Polaris

by penpea



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, postgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-16
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-21 10:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2465630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penpea/pseuds/penpea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“So this is where you grew up…” he whispered almost to himself. “I can almost imagine you playing here as a child.”<br/>Hinata found his lips quirking up at the thought. “It was a good childhood, I think. The memories I have of that time are mostly good.”<br/>“Mostly.” Komaeda echoed and grabbed Hinata’s hand, walking forward without much sense of direction.<br/>Hinata’s feet automatically began to take him to the place he’d walked to so many times when coming back from school, and after he’d tired himself from playing out for so long. It was only a few streets away --his home-- and his heart beat uncertainly in his chest at the possibility of finally seeing his parents again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Polaris

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chokokokyu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chokokokyu/gifts).



> I wrote this fic for my lovely cousin [Zen](http://chokokokyunokoun.tumblr.com/) because she always draws stuff for me and is so lovely to me in general that i had to repay her somehow. Postgame has always been her favorite so an effort was made...

If there was one thing Hinata hadn’t excepted while they lived on the island, trying to recover, it had been the family visits.

It started with Hanamura’s mom coming to visit them out of the blue on a hot summer day.

Hinata wasn’t sure how she’d learnt about their whereabouts in the first place but he figured the future foundation might have had something to do with it. Hanamura-- still relearning how to walk on his weak legs-- started crying the moment he saw her and something prickled in the back of Hinata’s eyes at the sight. He saw the way everyone lit up at the sight too-- how they all smiled at the reunion of mother and son-- and Hinata could just feel the way hope lit up in the dreary little island that was inhabited only by the fifteen teenagers who had no idea what to do with their futures.

Next came Tanaka’s parents, both crying and smiling as they hugged their only son, and he saw Tanaka cry that day, unabashed and full of sadness. Hinata knew how he must have felt- ashamed and unable to meet their eyes when they look at him as if he was a hero instead of a murderer. A criminal.

The visits became a norm after that and everyone from the remaining families would come visit the children. Hinata knew he should be happy about it, and he was for the most part. It was great to see how just the appearance of familiar figures from their past could bring so much joy into their lives and a hope to change and move on.

But for Hinata, it was hard to do that sometimes.

His parents never came to visit him and he knew he shouldn’t be upset about it. He reminded himself that they probably didn’t even know he was _alive_ , let alone working with the future foundation now. He knew it and yet his eyes would find themselves drifting towards the beach every time he would hear the sound of a motor boat or ferry. His heart would sink in his chest every time he’d realize it wasn’t his parents --that it was someone else’s family— and he wanted to laugh at himself for hoping despite that.

\---

Komaeda found him by the beach, staring at the sea and the waves rolling back and forth as the sun set and cast a warm pink glow on it. He came and sat down next to him without a single word and Hinata didn’t turn to look at him.

It was a habit of Komaeda’s, to find him around this time and just sit next to him, not saying a word. Just staring ahead at the sea. It was comforting, Hinata thought, to see the same thing with their eyes and communicate with just that in peace and quiet.

Hinata could feel something was wrong today though, when Komaeda turned to look at him instead of looking at the sea. It meant he wanted to talk and Hinata didn’t have the heart to meet his gaze. He knew what Komaeda wanted to ask and he didn’t want to answer.

“You’ve been acting odd lately, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said anyway and Hinata sighed internally, still not looking at him “I wouldn’t really mind except you keep sighing every time you look at the sea and it’s really getting on my nerves.”

Hinata still hadn’t gotten used to the way Komaeda spoke with him now, so casually, bordering rude sometimes. “It’s nothing, Komaeda.”

He heard a huff from right next to him and then Komaeda shifted a little, turning so that his body was facing Hinata’s. “That’s a really pathetic lie. If something’s bothering you, you might as well say it. It’s not doing anyone any good if you stay clammed up like that.”

Hinata sighed and finally looked at him, knowing there was no way to escape this when the boy was like that. Komaeda’s face was turned into a frown. “It’s just…this island feels a little lonely sometimes, don’t you think?”

“Lonely…” Komaeda echoed the word between his lips and smiled, almost emptily. “That’s such a new concept to you, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t mean it like that…” he said and reached out to touch Komaeda’s hand, still resting on the sand. He didn’t draw back and let it rest there, Hinata’s fingers brushing against the top of his hand. “I know what loneliness is, you know. I just didn’t want to feel so alone…even when I have you.”

Komaeda laughed softly. “I don’t really blame you. I’m hardly any company when I’m like this…right?” he raised his left hand then, covered in a black glove- hiding the prosthetic fingers that Komaeda hated so much.

Hinata shook his head and smiled, feeling idiotic for even worrying about being alone when he had Komaeda. Of course there were times when he felt the need to talk to his family, but that didn’t make Komaeda any less important to him. Not when the two of them had finally gone back to being normal around each other again, without any bitterness or resentment.

“You make it so much better. I’m so glad we can talk like this again, Komaeda,” he said, looking at the sea again and thinking that it didn’t look half as lonely now. “There’s a place in my heart that only you can fill.”

Komaeda flushed and looked away, a huff escaping his lips. He didn’t let go of his hand though. “That’s an awfully cheesy thing to say. Don’t you feel embarrassed just saying it?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I wasn’t so open about it, would you?” Hinata said despite the fact that his ears were burning too. He had to say it because, even though they’d been together for a year already, it still felt like his feelings weren’t reaching Komaeda sometimes.

“When you talk like that…it makes it hard not to believe you.” Komaeda shook his head and smiled ruefully. “That might just be considered a talent, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata laughed good-naturedly because he knew Komaeda wasn’t mocking him. It didn’t hurt to think of his lack of talent anymore, not when he was so busy trying to change himself, and it helped that Komaeda was trying to love him despite that.

Komaeda got up a few minutes later, when the silence between them grew again. Hinata looked up at him and saw his outstretched hand, gesturing for him to walk along with him and Hinata followed his lead, coming to stand next to him, fingers entwined together.

Hinata waited for Komaeda to move but he just stood there, looking at him with thoughtful eyes before casting a glance to the ocean, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Say, Hinata-kun…isn’t it time we left this island?” he asked “Your parents aren’t going to come visit you like this. I doubt they even know you’re alive.”

“H-huh?” Hinata balked. “You knew about that?”

“It’s kinda hard not to notice when you’re staring at the beach like that,” Komaeda rolled his eyes. “You’ve been hoping they’d come visit you soon.”

Hinata should have known Komaeda could catch on, given how smart he was. He sighed. “You’re really clever, Komaeda.”

“So? How about it?” He asked, unmoving. “We can leave now…I’m sure the future foundation has nothing against us. We can go look for your parents if that’s what you want.”

“Would you really come along with me if I went?”

Komaeda shrugged. “It’s not like I have a family of my own to visit…looking for yours is the next best option.”

\---

It didn’t take much convincing after that.

He’d been thinking about it too but he’d never really considered it seriously because despite what he would have liked to make himself believe, he’d been a pathetic person in the past and no matter what he said or did, he was still scared to see his parents and face them when he’d been such a failure of a son to them.

There was also the nagging fear that they might not even be-

“Stop staring at your bag, will you?” Komaeda groaned and pulled him by the hand towards the ferry awaiting them. “Do you, or do you not want to go?”

“Right…” he said absentmindedly and stepped onto the boat, smiling at his friends who waved him goodbye.

Everyone on the island was there and he grinned, unable to keep the joy of leaving the island within him. It was sad to leave his friends there, but he planned on coming back eventually so it wasn’t really a permanent goodbye.

Just a vacation of sorts, Komaeda had said. A way to get his mind off things.

\---

It wasn’t easy at all, looking for his parents when he had no idea where they could be. It had been almost two years since he’d last seen them, maybe even longer, since he didn’t even remember a huge part of his past from _that_ time. He was almost scared to think of what the school must  have told them after he’d gone through surgery, after he’d become the school’s top secret plan and no longer went by the name of Hinata Hajime.

It was on nights when he felt lost that he had nightmares- mind numbingly terrifying dreams that would make him wake up with a start, his entire body shaking and covered in cold sweat.

He would cast a glance in Komaeda’s direction when he finally regained his breathing, only to find the boy asleep, calm and peaceful, on the bed next to his and Hinata would walk over to him and watch his pale, sleeping face until he felt calm enough to fall asleep again.

This night, however, when he turned to look at Komaeda, he found the boy looking at him, lips curled into a knowing smile.

“Nightmares?” he asked when Hinata got up and squinted at him.

He nodded slowly, looking at Komaeda’s forehead, slick with sweat. “You too?”

He shrugged and tried to smile. “Sometimes they wake me up, sometimes they don’t. Today was worse.”

“You get them that often?”

“Only when I’m thinking about things too deeply. It’s nothing too bad.”

Hinata got up and walked over to Komaeda’s bed, sitting carefully on the edge and watching the boy shift to face him, still lying with his head on the pillow. “It must have been bad if you woke up.”

“I could say the same for you.” he said and tugged Hinata’s arm so that he was facing him- close enough to touch. “You never tell me what you’re thinking these days. You’re putting on a brave front for me, aren’t you?”

He shook his head. “That’s got nothing to do with it...Don’t worry about me.”

“You’re scared of something. Tell me what it is.”

“I’m sure you already know.” he said, forcing himself to smile even though he felt a headache coming on.

Komaeda nodded. “I think I can guess,” he said softly, getting up so that he could put an arm around Hinata’s neck. “Was it _him_ …?”

“Kamukura Izuru.” He said, feeling the word leave his mouth like lead. A heavy weight he didn’t want to deal with.

Hinata didn’t like the name- he hated the very thought of it-- and the fact that he was being forced to think of his past so much these days was compelling him to come to terms with that part of him. He normally considered himself a stable person, almost free from the relapses that his friends had to suffer with but he had them too, at times.

Memories of the past would come in flashes, visions of blood and death and hatred and the sick, disgusting feeling of being torn apart from the inside out. It was as if something in his brain was desperately trying to claw its way out- someone with a personality so different from his, and someone with all the talents he could never have.

He took a shuddering breath and Komaeda’s hold on him tightened protectively. He was glad for the warmth he felt when his body touched Komaeda’s because he was sure he wouldn’t have been able to feel so safe if he had been alone.  He wondered if Komaeda knew just how important he was to him.

“Sometimes…sometimes I just feel like it’s only a matter of time before he’ll come back,” Hinata whispered, feeling as if saying it louder would only make it come true. “It scares me to know that there’s another… _person,_ inside my head.”

Komaeda was silent for a while before he spoke. “He’s not here anymore… _you_ are. That means something, doesn’t it?”

Hinata laughed weakly, pulling his arms around Komaeda as he lay down next him. “I don’t know…does it?”

“It means you’re someone worth being proud of,” Komaeda said slowly, his breath touching Hinata’s cheek in soft puffs mingling with his own. “…I wouldn’t have thought so until I met you.”

“If I met my parents…I wonder what they would say.” he wondered aloud, unable to help the growing fear within him.

Komaeda didn’t answer that. Instead he pulled Hinata closer and buried his face in his shirt as if he was blocking out his words. Hinata’s heart sank a little in his chest when he thought of how Komaeda didn’t even have a family to go back to. He wished he could take his words back but they were out there now, and Komaeda had heard them.

“I think about that too, sometimes,” he said, speaking against the soft fabric of Hinata’s shirt. “If my parents saw what I’ve become…I wonder what they would say.”

\---

 In the end, Hinata finally decided to visit his hometown, hoping his family would still be there even though he already knew the city was in shambles. It was hard enough to get there because of the torn up roads and buildings and the lack of any mode of transport for the most part.

They finally made it there after a month of leaving the island, still unsure on what to make of the state the world was in. He’d already prepared himself for it and yet when the two of them found Hinata’s hometown, it still took his breath away.

The only way he could describe it was with the word ‘ruined’ because that’s exactly what it was. He could tell it was the same place he’d grown up in, as a child, but at the same time it was far from the place he’d been used to in the days when he was an innocent boy, unaware of how badly his life was going to turn out.

Komaeda’s hand brushed against Hinata’s on instinct and Hinata took that as a small comfort when all he wanted was to close his eyes, look away and pretend that he hadn’t come here looking for his parents when the town was already destroyed far beyond repair.

“Not even the future foundation would be able to fix this,” he said with a dry laugh and turned to look at Komaeda who was staring at the place in awe, taking in every detail he could catch.

“So this is where you grew up…” he whispered almost to himself. “I can almost imagine you playing here as a child.”

Hinata found his lips quirking up at the thought. “It was a good childhood, I think. The memories I have of that time are mostly good.”

“Mostly.” Komaeda echoed and grabbed Hinata’s hand, walking forward without much sense of direction.

Hinata’s feet automatically began to take him to the place he’d walked to so many times when coming back from school, and after he’d tired himself from playing out for so long. It was only a few streets away --his home-- and his heart beat uncertainly in his chest at the possibility of finally seeing his parents again.

They stopped in front of a small apartment complex with broken windows and dirty walls, paint cracking off the sides in huge chunks. It was worse than he remembered it but still in good shape considering he hadn’t even expected the building to be standing at all.

“Is this where you lived?” Komaeda asked curiously, his hand tugging him forward until they were inside, heading up the spiraling staircase that was littered with trash and old newspapers.

Hinata wrinkled his nose and nodded. “I was born here…and I lived her until I joined Kibougamine. It used to be a lot better back then.”

“Oh…” Komaeda said absentmindedly and Hinata turned to look at the boy’s lips pressed into a thin line.

“Is something the matter?” he asked him hurriedly. “You look pale.”

Komaeda shook his head. “It’s nothing…I’m just feeling nervous.” He laughed. “For you.”

“You don’t think they’ll be home?” Hinata asked, echoing his own doubts. He’d been hoping to avoid it until he actually got to that point but there was no helping it. It seemed too much like a dream now that he was here.

“I don’t know what to think, really. I’d say they’re here because that’s that most likely thing. I just…” his voice trailed off and Hinata sighed.

“You don’t have to be worried for me. If they’re not there then that’s just how it is. We’ll find out soon enough.”

Komaeda laughed softly and let go of Hinata’s hand once they stopped in front of a dull, wooden door. Hinata’s home. “You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself of that…”

Hinata nodded absently and rang the doorbell and found himself being pleasantly surprised when the ring was the same as it had been all those years ago. It reminded him of waiting outside, sweaty and hot after he’d come back and his mother would open the door, bright-eyed and smiling.

The woman who opened the door now, though, was anything but bright-eyed and smiling.

She looked at him and then Komaeda and then back at Hinata before her dazed expression was finally, _finally_ , replaced with a hopeful smile. Hinata’s heart, already beating rapidly in his chest, seemed to be full of something painful and his eyes prickled. Komaeda prodded him on the back and broke him from his stupor long enough for him to rush towards his mom and grab her by the waist and bury his head in her chest.

“M-mom…I’m home.” he said, unable to keep his voice normal.

“Hajime…how…? Why?” she sounded confused even as she patted her son’s head with a plump hand, stroking his hair with a finger. “We thought you-”

“Killed myself?” Hinata spoke up and shook his head, finally taking his time to look at her. “No…I’m here now. I’m fine.”

She nodded quickly and moved back, opening the door further for the two of them to walk in. “Your father, he…he’s been grieving all this time. We’d lost all hope.”

“You should never lose hope so fast, you know.” Komaeda finally spoke up as he stepped inside the house and took off his shoes. “Hinata-kun is far more stubborn than you’d imagine.”

His mother looked at the white haired boy, finally taking a moment to notice that there was someone else along with her son before she managed a smile. “You seem to know him very well.” She turned to Hinata. “Is he a friend of yours, Hajime?”

Komaeda nodded but Hinata smiled awkwardly and laid his bag on the floor. “Uh…something like that.”

His mother looked at him questioningly but didn’t ask further, and just smiled, pulling him into the living room. Komaeda jabbed a finger in Hinata’s side once she wasn’t looking and glared at him.

“You sounded awfully suspicious when you said that.” Komaeda hissed into his ear as they sat down at the table while his mother shuffled around the house, calling for his father. “You could have just gone along with it.”

“I want to tell them about you…” Hinata said thoughtfully, placing a hand on the table and smiling at how familiar it felt somehow, sitting on the same old chairs, in the same house- the furnishing entirely as he’d last seen them. “You’re my boyfriend after all.”

Komaeda groaned and looked away but Hinata saw the faint blush that dusted his cheeks. “Don’t get too cocky, Hinata-kun. I might just dump you one day.”

“Well today isn’t that day so just relax, won’t you?” Hinata grinned, “It’s okay…my parents are nice.”

“I can see that.”

They lapsed into silence after that and Hinata waited anxiously for his father to come while Komaeda examined the room with a curious smile on his lips. He seemed to be enjoying himself just looking at things.

His father came running into the living room soon after that, his hair a disheveled mess of gray and brown. They looked far duller than before and his eyes looked sad and dark when he stopped and looked at him, wide-eyed and disbelieving.

Hinata felt a pang of guilt when he looked at him like that and realized that it was probably his fault he’d become like this. He tried to smile but it was hard when his insides felt hot and cold at the same time and even his mother’s anxious looks did nothing to make him feel any better.

“Hi…dad,” he said slowly and got up to walk over to him. “How are you?”

His father looked at him and narrowed his eyes. Hinata’s smiled faltered for a few seconds but then his father pulled him in for a hug and he felt his body shake against his- out of sadness or relief, he didn’t know.

“Hajime…Hajime…” his father said his name so softly it almost seemed like a silent prayer. “We thought- I thought-”

“I know I know,” Hinata patted his father’s back and felt odd when he realized he was just as tall as him now. When he’d left for school, he had still been a few inches shorter. And his father had been stronger. “I’m sorry…I’m here now.”

His father stepped back to look at him and finally smiled, the semblance of his past self finally returning to him. “Yes…you are.”

\---

When things came down to it, it was hard to talk about it with his parents. He had a hard time bringing himself to talk about the hope cultivation project and how he’d gotten involved in it. He’d always kept it a secret from them and finally telling them about it, he felt unbearably guilty.

Watching their expressions change from concerned to horrified to absolutely _shattered_ was hard enough when he’d imagined it but seeing it happen before his eyes almost broke something within him. Komaeda’s hand rested gently on his thigh as he talked to his parents about it and finally came clean to them about everything.

“So…” he finished with an awkward laugh. “We left the simulation and now here I am. Good as new.”

Or as a good as he could be.

“Does that mean you’re free now?” his mother asked hopefully. “You can come live with us again?”

Hinata looked in Komaeda’s direction and found his face unreadable. He shrugged and gestured towards his bag lying in the corner of the room.

“I promised them I’d come back eventually. Of course I’ll be staying here for a while…but I think I’ll have to go.”

“Why? You’re not involved with any of this now, are you?” his father spoke up, his hand playing with the tea cup. “Are they- are they _forcing_ you to stay with them?”

Hinata shook his head. “No, not at all! It’s just…it’s my own decision, you know,” he said softly, not meeting their eyes. He knew they must be disappointed to know that their son was alive and well but wouldn’t be staying with them even so. “I feel like I have to make it up to the world for what I’ve done. That person…Kamukura…no matter how much I try to deny it- he was a part of me and I have to take responsibility.”

“We all do,” Komaeda spoke up “All of us have done things we aren’t proud of. I hope you’ll let Hinata-kun decide for himself because I know he’s not going to let it go until he fixes things somehow.”

Hinata smiled. “He’s right…I’ve decided on it for now. I want to help out the future foundation in any way that I can.”

His mother looked at him sadly. “We were hoping you’d stay but if that’s what you want, we won’t stop you. Live the way you want to, that’s enough for us.”

“Th-thank you,” Hinata said, feeling his throat tighten up when his parents looked at him so warmly. “I’m so happy I found you guys…”

“So are we.” His father laughed.

“And I’m glad you’ve found a good friend as well,” his mother said, looking at Komaeda with a sparkle in her eye. “We can see how much he cares about you.”

Hinata didn’t have to look at Komaeda to know that he was probably staring at the floor, trying not to flush under their gazes. He felt compelled to tell his parents about their relationship but he figured he could wait. Komaeda was still warming up to the family, after all.

“So…the house looks almost the same as it was.” He said by way of distraction. He could feel Komaeda’s breath come easier at that. “It’s kinda nice to look at it like this.”

His father nodded, casting a direction to the far end of the hall where Hinata’s bedroom had been. “Who would have thought that keeping your old room clean all this while would actually be worth it?”

Hinata stared at them. “You kept my room clean?” He’d thought they would have thrown everything away after he hadn’t come back.

“It’s getting late already,” his father said “You can sleep there if you want. Komaeda-kun as well.”

Komaeda laughed in a friendly manner. “That’s alright, really. I could sleep on the cou-”

Hinata grabbed his hand and pulled him up. “Come on, Komaeda. I’ll show you my room.”

\---

 Komaeda stared at the furniture in the room, he cast a sweeping glance at the single bed with plain floral patterned sheets on it and he looked at the bookshelf that rested at the side, crammed with books and small toys. A few manga volumes were squeezed in the middle but mostly he just saw reference books and notebooks.

“Wow…that bookshelf is impressive,” Komaeda whistled “That’s some serious dedication towards studying.”

Hinata dipped his head. “I guess. It wasn’t much help though,” he said and watched Komaeda examine the few photo frames resting on the side table. “It’s kinda boring to look at, huh?”

Komaeda shook his head and grabbed a frame, smiling when he looked at the picture. “You know you look exactly how I imagined you would as a child. You were so cute…”

Hinata laughed and walked over to Komaeda, trailing his arms around his back and hugging him from behind, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with warmth. “Does that mean I’m not cute now?” he asked, pressing his mouth against the back of Komaeda’s neck.

Komaeda stiffened a little before easing into his touch and setting the frame down. “Not quite as cute as you used to be…” he said softly. “I’d say you’re more along the lines of handsome now.”

 “Handsome huh…?” Hinata mused quietly, tracing his fingers along Komaeda’s arms until the boy finally turned towards him, still in his arms, standing almost face to face.

“Teasing me already?” Komaeda laughed, gesturing towards Hinata’s hands that continued to rub soft spots on his body, trailing across his back and his arms, resting on his neck and caressing the skin there. “Did you bring me to your home for this reason?”

Hinata pressed a kiss on Komaeda’s neck and then moved upwards, towards his jaw. Komaeda made a soft sound of protest but angled his neck to allow him more access. It was habit already, touching each other like this, and Hinata never grew tired of it. Today, however, he felt like he had to tell Komaeda much he meant to him, if only through these touches.

“It’s not just because we haven’t really spent much time together these days,” he said against Komaeda’s ear. “I’m just…so happy you’re with me, Ko- Nagito.”

Komaeda flushed. “My presence wouldn’t have made much of a difference. Your parents would have accepted you either way and you know that. They love you so much.”

“They do,” Hinata agreed. He placed a hand on Komaeda’s jaw and his thumb rubbed slow circles across his cheek. “But I don’t think I would have had the courage to actually find them if it hadn’t been for you. We’ve been looking for them for a month now and really…if you hadn’t been there I would have given up and gone back to the island ages ago.”

Komaeda stayed quiet and looped his arms across Hinata’s neck, pulling him closer so that their breath mingled and their lips were only a few centimeters apart. Hinata’s heartbeat picked up in his chest and he leaned closer so that the tips of their noses touched.

“You know Hajime,” Komaeda said, dropping the use of his family name now that they were alone. “For a person who managed to survive that simulation and live on as yourself…you’re way too soft.”

“I don’t mind being soft…as long as I have you with me.”

Komaeda snorted. “You’re probably the cheesiest boyfriend in the universe, you know that?”

“Boyfriend, huh?” Hinata asked, kissing Komaeda on the cheek and moving towards his lips. “Weren’t you going to dump me a while ago?”

“Clearly, today isn’t the day.”

Hinata didn’t have to answer him, because Komaeda closed the distance between them with his lips and the two of them kissed each other, slow and gentle, almost familiar in the way they moved their mouths against the other. Komaeda pressed against Hinata’s lips, softly coaxing him until Hinata’s lips parted, letting Komaeda’s tongue lick against his bottom lip. Hinata felt his chest thrum in a silent joy when he touched Komaeda like this, his hands moving lower to hold his waist, keeping the boy upright because he was sure he would fall any second if it weren’t for that.

Komaeda vaguely gestured towards the bed in between breaths and Hinata nodded, stumbling towards it, Komaeda in tow, until they were lying on the soft mattress --slightly musty from disuse but comfortable against them nevertheless.

Hinata hovered over Komaeda, kissing him on the lips and jaw, caressing his neck and feeling Komaeda’s breath come is soft gasps which he tried to stifle by biting his lips. It only made Hinata kiss him even more insistently, catching his teeth on his bottom lip and tugging softly.

“H-Hajime…you’re really enjoying this aren’t you?”

Hinata hummed in agreement, kissing Komaeda’s temple and smiling.

Komaeda rolled his eyes and pinched Hinata’s cheeks. “Just _think_ for a moment, won’t you?” Hinata finally stopped at that, looking at him uncertainly. “We’re at your parents’ home. They’re sleeping on the other side of the wall and you can’t even control yourself at all…what are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that I…I want to make love to you.” Hinata admitted, feeling the tips of his ears burn just saying it out loud. No matter how many times he’d said it before, it still made him somewhat shy.

Komaeda flushed and looked away, biting his lip and smothering a smile. “You’re going to have to take responsibility if they find out.”

“The walls are pretty thick, believe me.”

“What’s this?” Komaeda looked at him in surprise and laughed. He turned to look at Hinata again, happiness clear on his face. “Did you seriously consider doing it with a girl or something back then? Is that why you sound so prepared?”

Hinata flushed and ducked his head. “I never thought about it like that.”

Komaeda laced his fingers in Hinata’s hand and brought it to rest on his chest. Hinata could feel the pulse underneath and thought of Komaeda’s heart, beating just as fast as his. “How does it feel to do it with someone like me, then? I bet it’s a shocking surprise compared to your fantasies back then…”

 Hinata looked at Komaeda’s expression, hoping he wasn’t being self depreciating when he said it, and found him smiling openly at him, not a trace of the anxious boy he’d been when they’d started out as a couple.

“I only ever thought about doing it with someone I truly loved, Nagito,” Hinata said, curling his finger around Komaeda’s wispy white hair and pressing a kiss to a stray lock on his forehead. “And I think you fit the bill quite perfectly.”

Komaeda didn’t answer at that, and pressed his lips tightly, looking at the ceiling- anywhere but in Hinata’s direction. Hinata was used to Komaeda acting like that when he was affectionate with him and he’d learnt to just wait for him.

“This is far too much good luck. So much happiness…it’s- it’s a little scary,” he said, speaking almost to himself.

“I don’t care about the luck cycle, you know,” Hinata said, tracing a finger along Komaeda’s spine and feeling him shudder under his touch. “Won’t you let me hold you?

Komaeda smiled and reached out to touch Hinata’s cheek. “When you say it like that…it’s hard to say no, Hajime.”

\---

Hinata stared at the bowl in front of him, and played with his chopsticks, twisting them between his fingers before dipping them in the soup, eating the noodles before they got cold. His parents and Komaeda focused on their own lunch and the room was bathed in silence for a while. No one spoke.

They’d found a simple rhythm over the week they’d been living here. Waking up in the mornings and cleaning up, taking strolls outside and then sitting in the living room, Komaeda, Hinata and his parents. They would talk and chat, try to catch up on time lost and trying to pretend nothing bad had ever happened. Komaeda seemed to fit right in, for the most part but Hinata couldn’t help the nagging suspicion that he was trying really hard to come off as easygoing.

He could tell something was weighing down on him even if he tried his hardest not to show it.

His parents must have noticed too, by the furtive glances they cast him when they noticed Komaeda wasn’t eating.

“So…Komaeda-kun,” his father spoke up excitedly, clearly trying to make up for the oppressive silence. “You never told us about your family…your parents?”

Hinata’s hand froze, the noodles hanging limp between the wooden sticks as he stared at his parents, completely oblivious as they waited eagerly for the boy’s answer. Komaeda blinked --his only reaction towards the question-- before he smiled and set his chopsticks down on the table.

Hinata moved to speak, to say something so that Komaeda wouldn’t be forced to answer. He wasn’t sure if the boy would want to talk about it, and as much as he loved his parents, they could be entirely clueless at times. He supposed it wasn’t their fault though.

Komaeda leaned back against his chair and looked up, away from them. “They died in a plane crash,” he said easily. His voice was soft as he spoke. “I don’t really have any family apart from that.”

When he spoke like that, it really didn’t look like there was anything more to it than that. It almost made it look like Komaeda didn’t even care. His parents seemed to think so too, judging from the way they looked at him, pitying looks and hushed apologies for his loss and Komaeda laughed and got up from the table, his dinner still lying half eaten on the table.

No one asked him to finish it and Hinata got up after him, his own appetite lost after the realization that no matter how much Komaeda tried to hide it, he really didn’t feel like he belonged, not even here.

\---

Hinata found him standing in the balcony when he didn’t see him in his room. He walked over to join him, standing next him, elbows almost touching as they gazed at the night sky, bright and twinkling with stars again. It almost seemed like a long time since he’d just stood outside like this, in his balcony with only the sky to keep his company. He used to come here a lot when he was young and frustrated, sad about his own insignificance and lack of talent.

Now, standing with Komaeda by his side, he wasn’t sure how he felt. He still felt lost sometimes- he still felt entirely inadequate and weak sometimes- but there was always a faint hope in his chest now. A promise that he wasn’t alone or unneeded.

Komaeda didn’t turn to look at him even once, and in all the time he’d spent with Komaeda, he’d gotten used to the silence pressing between them like a silent companion. It didn’t feel half as comfortable today, when Komaeda was clearly upset about something Hinata couldn’t sympathize with. Not entirely.

He finally turned to look at Komaeda and watched the way his hair billowed in the soft breeze and touched his face. “Nagito,” he said, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry about that. They didn’t know.”

Komaeda didn’t answer for a while and instead looked down at his hands, fingers drumming absently against the railing. “It’s okay. I don’t really mind, Hajime.” He said and his tone made Hinata want to believe him.

He knew it had been a long time since all of it had happened to Komaeda. He wanted to believe that he had gotten over it but when he watched him staring ahead at the sky again, he found his heart breaking a little for the boy standing in front of him. No matter how much he tried to understand him, he still couldn’t _really_ feel what he felt.

“What’re you thinking about right now?” he asked, wanting to know.

Komaeda shook his head. “Nothing in particular. It’s a beautiful night isn’t it?”

Hinata couldn’t help feeling Komaeda was desperately trying to avoid talking about anything concerning his past. He would have let it continue like that if that’s what Komaeda wanted but he could see it was eating him up. Hinata wondered what Komaeda had felt when he’d been searching for his parents, trying so hard to look for someone else’s family knowing that there was no home of his own to go back to.

He reached out his hand to touch Komaeda’s gentle and reassuring. “You know you can talk to me about it. You told me before right? Back then…”

He waited for Komaeda to answer. Komaeda huffed a little and turned to look at him, his expression unreadable. “I really wonder what came over me for me to tell you about that.”

Hinata thought of how Komaeda had brushed it off as a lie back then. He must have been lonely to the point where he couldn’t stand it but even then, he tried to pretend it was all something made up. He wondered why he’d done it. And Hinata wondered why he’d thought Komaeda was lying when he’d obviously been telling the truth. He vaguely wondered if his reaction had hurt the boy and he couldn’t help feeling guilty about it.

“Maybe it was just because you wanted someone to know?” Hinata offered, suddenly wondering what it was that had made Komaeda open up to him when they’d talked in the simulation. He still felt it was a mystery they’d grown closer despite their conflicting desires and aims.

Komaeda laughed, almost as if he was mocking him. “What good would that do me? Sharing it doesn’t really change things for either of us.”

Hinata looked at the boy and saw how hard he was trying to keep up his unaffected expression, his smile wavering when he looked at him. He could see how torn his grey eyes were –as if there was a storm brewing within them-- and he suddenly felt like an idiot for dragging him here and making him come to terms with that reality yet again. No matter how hard he tried to fill the gap, it wouldn’t always be enough.

“It makes the burden less, I think. Suffering alone all this time…it’s been eating at you hasn’t it?”

“I’ve gotten used to it,” Komaeda said, simply. Matter-of-factly. “Being alone…it’s something that was always a part of my life. You can’t help it.

“That might be so,” he nodded, “But you can’t really make the feelings go away just by thinking that.” he raised his hand to trace a single finger along Komaeda’s chest, hovering above his heart. “You still feel it _here_.”

Komaeda lowered his head and looked away, eyes closing shut and a sigh escaping his lips. “It’s illogical and silly to think about the past… it shouldn’t matter to me anymore,” he said and laughed softly, barely a puff of air. “The world isn’t fair to everyone but I’ve made my peace with it. I did get my freedom because of it so it’s not all that bad, right?” he looked at Hinata then, and his eyes looked a little desperate, as if he was anxiously waiting for him to affirm it.

Hinata didn’t know what to say to that. He knew Komaeda was trying to convince himself he wasn’t sad, more than anything, but he knew that he did cherish his freedom too. He wasn’t sure what that meant though.

“That freedom…did it really give you happiness?” he asked him.

Komaeda smiled ruefully, looking into his eyes as if he could find something in there that not even Hinata could find on his own. “You should know the answer to that.”

Hinata shook his head, suddenly feeling frustrated. He was trying to understand him- he had been, all this time, but when Komaeda behaved as if he would magically know the answer to everything despite not knowing how he felt, he didn’t know what to tell him.

“You have to say it or I won’t know!” he said “You can’t always assume I’ll know what you’re thinking, Nagito. No matter how much I want to understand you, it’s impossible when I haven’t experienced the same things you have. For all I wish I could have, that would be too selfish even for me.”

Komaeda smiled when he looked at him, exasperated and awed. “You really don’t know when to give up, do you?”

“I learnt that while dealing with you,” he raised an eyebrow. “So…what is it?”

Komaeda sighed and passed a hand through his hair. “I’m a little tired, Hinata-kun,” he said. “Let’s get some sleep.”

Hinata had seen it coming. He knew Komaeda wouldn’t want to talk about it directly, not when he was being forced to. He hadn’t outright told him not to ask further so he didn’t prod. If he wanted to talk, he’d talk. Even if it took a long while until he did.

He trusted Komaeda to speak when it was the right time.

Hinata smiled and leaned off the railing, pushing back and stretching his arms, looking at the sky and the countless stars above them.

“If that’s what you want, Nagito.”

\---

Hinata didn’t notice it immediately but, spending time with his parents and just lying at home doing nothing, he couldn’t shake off the feeling that something felt odd.

He noticed that his parents never turned on the TV, never talked about what was going on outside. And when they went out for walks, in the torn desolate city with barely any other citizens left, they would pretend as if nothing was ever wrong with the world, as if it was just how it should have been.

He didn’t talk to them about it because he decided it was something for their own good. They avoided thinking about it, perhaps as a way of escaping the weight of the world and pretending everything was fine and Hinata could almost sympathize with that.

Weren’t they living in their own made up worlds, after all? With nothing else to do in life, avoiding the things that weighed down on them was a good way to stay sane.

He wondered if it was the same way for Komaeda. Maybe that was the reason behind his worldview and blinding optimism.

\---

Hinata zipped up the bag, pressing down on it hard to keep the contents from spilling out and got up, wiping the sweat from his brow with a satisfied smirk. Komaeda was lounging lazily on the bed, legs dangling off the sides as he stared at his own bag, much smaller and already packed.

“Done packing?” he asked, turning his head slowly to look at Hinata.

“Yeah. Sorry for making you wait,” he said, reaching out a hand to help Komaeda get up. He grabbed it but made no effort to get to his feet.

“Come on,” Hinata said with a soft laugh, pulling his arm halfheartedly. “Get up. Didn’t you want to go back?”

Komaeda pressed his lips together and frowned. “Are you sure you want to go back, Hajime?”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

He gestured towards his room, at the bed, the neatly arranged bookshelf and the empty walls around them. “Life here…it’s peaceful, isn’t it? Why don’t you just stay?”

Hinata noticed the way he said ‘you’, as if Komaeda planned on going back but didn’t want him to come along. It felt a little lonely, hearing him say that.

“Are you sure you’re just saying that because you think I’m happy? Or is it something else…?” he asked, crouching so that he was eyelevel with Komaeda.

Komaeda didn’t answer. Hinata waited, patiently.

“I just think it’s the best time to part ways, don’t you think?” he finally said, his voice barely audible.

“Wha-”

Komaeda closed his eyes, took a deep breath and continued, ignoring Hinata’s protests before they had a chance to leave his mouth. He could see the determination in his firmly set jaw and his eyes, glinting coldly. “You have a home here. You’re _happy_ here. You should stay. Being with me and following after me even when I don’t have any reason to stay…why do you put up with me? You know there’s no future for us…not when I’m not even going to be around long enough for you to really call it anything but a fling.”

Hinata stared, unable to say anything. His mouth felt dry.

Komaeda never spoke about their relationship much- he’d always passed it off as Hinata being a persistent idiot, but Hinata knew that Komaeda felt happy to be with him. When he spoke like this then, hinting at how alone he felt even when he was with him, Hinata didn’t know what to do.

“Is this about your luck? Is that what this is about?” he asked, feeling a dull ache in his chest at the thought. “You’re just saying this to keep me from getting hurt. Or are you really unhappy with me?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Komaeda said, looking down, his arms hanging uselessly at his sides. “You know how I feel about you.”

“Then is it wrong for me to stay with you? I feel the same way so it’s fine, isn’t it?” he said and stepped forward, touching Komaeda’s hand hesitantly. Komaeda drew back for a second before leaning into the touch. He could see how torn he was.

Komaeda took a shuddering breath. “I’ve seen how happy you are with your family, how you smile when you talk to them. It’s- it’s a little painful having to see that and knowing I’m not someone who can be like that for you. All I’ve ever given you is a promise of a really unlucky future.”

Hinata opened his mouth to speak, anger flaring inside his chest at the thought of Komaeda assuming things as always when the door slid open and his mother’s head popped into view.

She must have noticed something in their expressions, or maybe it was just the oddness of watching her son leave his home yet again, that made her smile at them- awkward and wavering.

“Done packing up?” she asked, the feigned cheerfulness clear in her tone. Hinata nodded jerkily while Komaeda wordlessly grabbed the bag and left the room. Hinata watched him go, exchanging worried looks with his mother before grabbing his own and running after him.

“Don’t mind him, he’s just tired from all the packing.” Hinata said by way of explanation, knowing that his mother could see right through him.

His father was waiting in the living room and got up when he saw them, casting a confused glance in Komaeda’s direction. He was already standing by the door, smiling serenely as he regarded the house one last time. Hinata followed after him, putting on his shoes while his parents looked at him. He could see their eyes were already tearful and he’d wanted to avoid that at all costs but it must have been hard for them too.

“Don’t look so sad,” he said, done tying the laces on his shoes “…It’s not like I won’t be around to visit again.”

“Can’t you just stay?” his mother asked and Hinata shook his head.

“I promise I’ll visit again. Whenever I can.”

“And you, Komaeda-kun? You’ll visit too, won’t you?” his father asked, smiling warmly. He got along well with Komaeda, much to Hinata’s surprise and he could almost imagine them living together as a family if he tried.

Komaeda nodded. “I’ll try my best…”

“You make it sound like you don’t want to…” his mother said, a sad tone to her voice. Komaeda shook his head.

“It’s not like that, don’t worry!” he said, sounding cheerful again. “I’m sure Hinata-kun will bring me along.”

Hinata wondered if he’d actually be willing to. The way he was speaking, he could tell he was only trying to make his parents feel good. Komaeda did like them, that much he was aware of- but wanting to visit them again didn’t sound like a promising idea by the way he spoke.

“Of course I’ll bring you along,” he said. “If that’s what you want.”

Komaeda opened the door and the wood creaked noisily, breaking them from their peaceful trance. It suddenly felt too early to be leaving and he realized he did want to stay. But he couldn’t leave Komaeda alone despite that.

He stepped out first, grinning for all it was worth so that his parents wouldn’t notice how hard it was for him to take every step that took him away from home.

“Take care, mom and dad…I’ll keep in touch.”

Komaeda smiled too as he left the house. “It was nice meeting you two…I can see why Hinata-kun loves you so much.”

His father nodded but his mother fixed with a long, meaningful look. Hinata couldn’t understand what was going on but he could see a wordless exchange going on between the two of them and he felt left out. Komaeda’s face paled and he looked away, staring at the bag in his hands- torn up leather and worn straps.

“Look after him for me, okay?” she finally said, a smile back on her lips. “You can do so much for the person you love, right?”

Komaeda dipped his head, unsmiling. “That’s all I want. But I can’t make any promises.”

\---

“So…” Hinata said, unable to handle the silence. “Where are we going now?”

Komaeda sighed and turned his back to him, flitting through the pages of the years old magazine, not bothering to glance at a single page for more than two seconds. He’d been like that since they’d left his house, walking aimlessly through roads and streets until Hinata couldn’t tell right from left. He was sure he was familiar with the place but now it all seemed like a mess of broken windows and cars.

They’d found a small inn to stay at for the night and Komaeda hadn’t moved from his bed the next morning. Hinata could tell he was sulking- he’d seen him like that before but this time, he couldn’t help but think it was his fault.

Hinata flopped down on the bed, motes of dust flying in a burst as he did. Komaeda sneezed and cast a dirty glance in his direction before turning his attention back to the magazine.

“C’mon, Nagito. If you’re mad at me, just say it,” he whined, leaning towards the boy and nudging his arm. “It’s no good when you’re just quiet.”

Komaeda bit his lip and finally put the book down, irritation clear on his face. “I have nothing to say to you. Why’d you come after me when I said you could stay back?” he asked, arms folding across his chest.

“So that’s what you’re mad about? Didn’t I tell you I wasn’t going to leave you alone?”

“You really don’t understand anything, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda said, slowly shaking his head and taking up the magazine again. Clearly, the small conversation was already over.

It didn’t escape Hinata’s notice that Komaeda was putting a distance between them. The way he called him by his family name and the way he curled in on himself when Hinata leaned towards him, as if he didn’t want to touch him.

“You’re the one who doesn’t understand.” He sighed, knowing this going nowhere anytime soon.

\---

Hinata didn’t know what woke him up, but when he turned to look to his side, still sleepy eyed, he found the bed empty. The sheets were rumpled and warm where Komaeda had been sleeping, but the boy was nowhere in sight.

He jumped off the bed, his head spinning slightly when he noticed Komaeda’s bags weren’t where he’d placed them. The room was almost entirely empty save for Hinata’s things and his clothes, strewn across the floor where’d he’d dumped them.

He wasn’t sure what was going on and he quickly put on his shoes, running out of the room before he had time to think twice about where Komaeda could be. He had noticed that Komaeda looked detached all day but it didn’t even cross his mind that he’d want to leave without telling him.

He’d just assumed, as always, that it might have been a minor fight and that things would be back to normal soon enough.

The streets were dark and only a few lights were on, flickering and proving weak illumination. It was barely enough to let him walk without getting lost, but he wasn’t very familiar with the place to begin with. Cold gripped at his chest and his face and he wished he’d gotten something warmer to wear beside his single t-shirt. He didn’t really care, though. He needed to find Komaeda before he was too far out of sight.

He was a few streets away from the inn when he spotted a single figure heading even further, a small bag in his hands. He didn’t have to look at the frayed, green jacket or the wispy white hair to know it was Komaeda.

He called out to him, heart hammering in his chest.

“Nagito!” he yelled and ran after him, feeling his breath finally come back to him.

Komaeda didn’t turn to look back- he only stopped for a split second before breaking into a run, bag swishing in his hand as he tried to make away and get out of Hinata’s sight. Hinata saw him turn into an alley and followed after him.

Komaeda only made it a few feet into the street when Hinata caught him, his arms immediately going around his waist and holding him there. Komaeda stopped in his tracks, his body going oddly limp in his arms and Hinata finally allowed himself to let his emotions take hold of him.

 He turned Komaeda around, bringing his face to look directly at him. “Where the hell were you going?” he asked, unable to keep his voice from rising.

Komaeda looked down and stared at the bag in his hands, not saying a word. A smile crept on his lips.

Hinata bristled. “Were you seriously thinking of running away and leaving me behind?” his hands shook a little at the thought and he took a deep, shuddering breath, feeling his knees going. “…Say something, Nagito.”

Komaeda finally looked at him and laughed dryly. He looked tired. “You’re like this even though you caught up to me. I don’t see why you have to be so angry.” 

“Are you serious?” Hinata yelled, feeling tears prickle in the back of his eyes. He shook Komaeda’s shoulders and the boy stopped smiling. “I was so scared that you’d leave me alone. Don’t ever do that again!”

Komaeda shook his head, stepping away from Hinata and avoiding his gaze. “ _See?_ If this is how you’re going to act simply because I’m leaving you, how do you think it would be if I really _did_ leave?” his voice was barely above a whisper as he looked at the sky. Hinata wondered if that’s where he thought he’d be going someday. It hurt to think about it. “I won’t be around to say you’re being an idiot, then.”

“If that’s how it’s going to be then why can’t you just stay with me until it happens?” Hinata said, his voice just as soft, his anger dying out. “I won’t mind being alone if it means I get to love you in the time we have. Don’t ever think I’ll blame you for anything, Nagito.”

Hinata reached out to hold his hand again. Komaeda let him this time and smiled even thought it looked sad.

“You’re so simpleminded it’s almost frustrating.” He said and let Hinata take him back to the inn, their temporary home for the while.

They didn’t speak as they walked back- the night was quite save for the chirp of crickets, the cold air biting at their skin. Komaeda shivered as they finally made it to the inn, their feet working automatically, not even noticing anything as they stepped inside, the warmth of their room embracing them.

The bed was cold as they silently lay down, not saying a word to each other. Hinata’s hands found their way to Komaeda’s waist where they fit most naturally but his chest still ached because it felt as if the boy wasn’t really there. Komaeda’s hands slowly traced circles on Hinata’s neck, light brushes of his finger across skin, that seemed to be done out of habit more than anything. His eyes were focused somewhere far away and Hinata wished he could see the same things as Komaeda, and be able to feel the same as him.

When he was holding Komaeda like this, it almost didn’t feel like the time they had was limited and that the peaceful days would eventually lead to something less than happy. He knew he would stay with him through anything but he wished he could convince Komaeda of that. Even now after so much effort put into making Komaeda believe that he was loved, he still felt as if his words had no effect on him.

Komaeda shifted a little and looked at him, his gray eyes looked almost peaceful now. “Hey…Hajime.” he said hesitantly.

“What is it?” Hinata said, his hands pausing where they’d been stroking up and down the small of Komaeda’s back.

He didn’t say anything for a while and Hinata waited, knowing he’d speak up soon enough. Komaeda pressed a little closer and buried his head in Hinata’s neck, his warm breath spilling near his ear.

“…Was it true when you said that? That you wouldn’t mind being alone even after I-” he cut off abruptly but Hinata got what he wanted to say.

Hinata looked at Komaeda, his soft pale skin and his white hair, the only signs that his life was slowly ticking away. It hurt a little to think about but he knew there was no escaping the inevitable.

“Of course I’ll be lonely,” he finally said, unable to keep his voice from shaking a little. “Anyone would feel like that…”

“Then why do you put up with me?”

Hinata knew that’s what had been on his mind but when he said it --so soft and hesitant-- his chest ached for the boy.

“It’s because I love you.” he said, brushing aside Komaeda’s hair and placing a chaste kiss on his forehead.

“That’s what scares me the most, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda said, not moving away this time. “I can’t promise you’ll always be happy with me.”

Hinata propped himself on an elbow and frowned. “Is that why you were running away…? Because you were scared?”

Komaeda nodded slowly. “I really did think of running away,” he sighed. “It sounded like such an easy way to keep you away from all it when- when the time comes. But I think I was still hoping you’d find me.”

Hinata nodded, a little numbly. “Of course I’d find you…I’ll always find you. Just- don’t ever leave me like that, okay?”

Komaeda laughed a little, turning to lie on his back and staring at the ceiling. “I won’t,” he said and shut his eyes. “Hajime…you’re like the North Star. I could never lose my way even if I was tempted to…”

“Polaris?” Hinata asked, unable to help the laugh that escaped him. “That’s awfully cheesy coming from you.”

Komaeda didn’t elbow him like he expected to- he just smiled and let his hand lie on top of Hinata’s.

“I think you’re starting to rub off on me…”

\---

Hinata had set off to look for his parents with a goal in mind. It was something to keep his mind occupied and the desperation to look for them was enough to keep him busy. Having met them and finally confirming their whereabouts, he was left with a sense of purposelessness that made him feel empty.

He wondered if Komaeda felt like that too sometimes- not having any place to call home, no one to worry about and no goals to achieve. He’d always avoided talking to Komaeda about it but the more he felt his own lack of purpose weigh down on him, the more he felt as if he had to ask Komaeda.

He’d only ever seen him want to gain a greater hope- that’s what Komaeda’s goal had been from the start. But with the end of the despair brought upon the world by Enoshima Junko, Hinata knew there was nothing else for Komaeda to do.

In his definition, the hope he’d been striving for all along had been achieved long ago. Where did that leave him then?

In the end, they ended up spending a lot more time exploring cities that they had no connection to, for no real reason at all. It was if they’d silently agreed that they weren’t ready to go back to the islands just yet. So they spent the time wandering, like ghosts drifting from city to city.

Komaeda had gone back to normal after the night he’d tried to run away and they tried to relax and make some sense of the mess that lay before them in the shape of the destroyed world. They never talked about it, but both of them felt a nagging sense of guilt when they saw these places and thought that they were the ones who had been responsible for so much of it.

There were some things they couldn’t escape but that didn’t mean they had to talk about it.

Komaeda, for all the normality he tried to feign, seemed to be agitated the closer they got to a destination Hinata didn’t know of. He knew Komaeda wanted to take him somewhere special- he could see it in his eyes and in the way he had almost seemed to buzz with excitement when they’d set out for their journey.

That excitement died out a while later though and Hinata saw the way Komaeda would spend nights without sleeping, pretending to be asleep for Hinata’s sake. He could almost hear his mind whirring with thoughts even so late at night but he didn’t say anything.

Whatever it was that bothered him, it wasn’t something Hinata could interfere with.

Komaeda finally came up to him one day when he was eating breakfast- an assortment of cold soup and noodles with eggs on the side- and tapped him on the shoulder, his expression serious.

“Listen, Hajime,” Komaeda said, sitting down on the couch, a few feet away from him. “There’s a place I want to go to. Would you like to come along?”

“Ah?” Hinata asked with his mouth still full from the noodles. “Do you have a place in mind?”

Komaeda smiled awkwardly and shook his head. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to! I was just asking, you know. I think I’ll just go mysel-”

Hinata cut him off with a slight pat to his arm and a knowing smile. “Of course I’ll come along if you want me to. It must mean a lot to you, right?” he asked, wondering if this was the place Komaeda had been eager to visit for a while now.

Komaeda nodded slowly, staring at his hands. “It is. Even though it’s not really a happy place to visit.”

Hinata wondered what it was that made Komaeda look like that, already pressing his lips in a thin line as if he regretted asking him about it. He knew the place must hold a special meaning to him and the fact that he asked Hinata to come along meant that he was willing to show him a part of his life he hadn’t shown anyone before.

It made Hinata both happy and inexplicably sad.

He stood up, done eating his breakfast and tried to smile. “If you’re willing to take me along,” Hinata said, “I’d love to come with you, Nagito.”

Komaeda nodded slowly and they left the building soon after, pulling their jackets closer to their bodies to prevent the cold from creeping into their bones. Komaeda remained silent as they walked through streets that seemed to stretch on forever until Hinata almost forgot that Komaeda did have a special place in mind. It almost seemed like one of the walks he had with Komaeda back on the islands, when they had nowhere else to go and no goals in sight.

The city that they were currently staying in was a sprawling mess of tall buildings and skyscrapers that seemed to have lost their charm after the world had been plunged into despair. Looking at the skeletons of the old buildings, he could guess it was a fairly busy industrial city but none of that remained now.

The buildings thinned out the further they walked, Komaeda’s feet moving fast with a sense of purpose and Hinata following after him, taking in the sights around him. Komaeda hadn’t said anything about the city but he got the idea that this was where he grew up. There was just something about the place—maybe the sense of loneliness he got—that made him think it was where the boy had spent his childhood and his days before joining Kibougamine. The place where he’d received _that_ notification too.

Komaeda turned to look at Hinata, as if making sure he was still there before he quickly looked away, staring ahead again. Hinata smiled and hurried to catch up to Komaeda, tugging at the sleeve of his jacket.

“Say, Nagito,” he began, feeling a little unsure. “I know I said I’d go along with you but where exactly are you taking me?”

Komaeda didn’t answer at first, and simply pointed ahead to where he could see the faint outlines of a black arched gate. He squinted and stared at the place Komaeda was pointing to, trying to guess what it was. The pillars on either side of the gate were made of grey polished marble. The place looked gloomy even from so many feet away.

Hinata’s stomach lurched at the realization that they were walking straight towards a graveyard and he quickly turned to look at Komaeda, wanting to affirm if that was where they really were headed. Komaeda continued to look straight ahead, his expression composed.

Hinata didn’t have the heart to ask him as they opened the gates and walked in, the narrow pathway surrounded by high walls on either side of them. A few buckets, rusty and worn from use lay on the floor near them. From the looks of it the graveyard seemed to have been abandoned ages ago.

Hinata couldn’t help feeling that it was unfair of anyone to leave their loved ones like that- to not even visit them in their final resting place. It seemed too selfish.

Komaeda grabbed a bucket from the small pile in front of them and hefted it in one hand, staring at it experimentally before turning to look at Hinata, a sheepish smile on his lips.

“Do you have any idea where I could find water?” he asked, gesturing vaguely towards the bucket in his hand.

Hinata shook his head and walked ahead, hoping to find a pool of water or a tap- anything to fill the bucket. He spotted a tap up ahead, fitted snugly between a crevice in the wall and he turned it, hoping it would work but nothing came out.

Hinata groaned and turned to tell Komaeda when the boy tripped over a branch lying on the ground and stumbled towards the wall, reaching out to support himself. Hinata rushed over to him as he fell but he wasn’t of much use because he’d already landed on his knees by then, a few rocks falling over Komaeda’s head from a loose crack in the wall.

“Are you okay?” Hinata asked in horrification as he kneeled down on the ground and tried to examine Komaeda’s body. He grabbed his face in his hands and frowned, hoping he hadn’t bruised too much.

Komaeda laughed softly and shook his head. “I’m fine! It’s just a minor accident, really.” He said. “I’m used to that much by now.”

Hinata nodded and got up, holding out his hand for Komaeda to grab. He’d seen stuff like this happen to Komaeda before and he knew enough to know that this really was a minor act of bad luck. He silently thanked any forces behind his luck that it hadn’t been anything worse this time.

“Your luck never gives you a break, huh?” he said as Komaeda got up and wiped his jeans. “It was almost peaceful for a while…”

Komaeda shrugged casually. “At least I know something good’s going to happen soon.”

“I wonder what-” Hinata began but stopped when he heard the sound of gushing water from behind him. Komaeda exclaimed in delight and ran towards the tap that was now spewing water.

“What the hell?” Hinata muttered as Komaeda began filling the bucket. “It wasn’t working when I turned it on…”

“Maybe that’s the good luck I got to make up for the mishap just now!” Komaeda laughed, twisting the tap shut and hefting the bucket in his hands. It looked heavy and Hinata made to help him but Komaeda waved him away.

He wondered curiously what the bucket was for as they began walking again. The walls gave way to an open courtyard. Countless family monuments were lined up next to each other leaving barely enough room for them to walk. The markers were mostly made of marble- tall structures that resembled pillars- with names etched on them in fine strokes, some names painted in red.

Red: names of the family members who were still alive, Hinata reminded himself.

He looked at Komaeda and saw the boy smile at him. He’d been expecting the reason they’d come here but seeing the place with his own two eyes suddenly made it feel surreal.

“Is this where your parents are buried?” Hinata asked, hoping he wasn’t prying.

Komaeda nodded. “Well…where their ashes are buried at least.” He said. “I’m not really sure what the exact location is, though.”

“Did you forget where it is?”

“No,” Komaeda said absentmindedly as he scanned the grave markers and read the names. “It’s hard to remember a place you’ve only been to once.”

Hinata wanted to ask why that was but he could see Komaeda’s attention wasn’t on him anymore. He was too busy looking for the gravestones --looking for his parents, really-- to notice.

Hinata joined him in looking for them but it was hard when the entire place was filled with eroding gravestones that were covered in dust and filth as if they hadn’t been visited in a while. He stared at the names, searching for the kanji for ‘Komaeda’ and he would have missed it if it hadn’t been for the red markings on the stone.

He stood before a grave that looked almost worse than the ones around it and stared at the three names etched on it. The two that belonged to his parents- simply carved into the stone- and the third one that belonged to Komaeda, painted in red. His stomach seemed to sink in his body at the sight of his name already carved there even though he knew that the red paint signified that he was still alive.

He couldn’t help feeling as if it was almost cruel to write his name there when he was still alive and breathing. The red paint seemed to be coming off with age, as if telling him that it’s time was coming to an end.

Komaeda shuffled over to him, sloshing water on the ground because the bucket was getting too heavy to carry and frowned.

“Why didn’t you call me if you’d found the grave?” he asked, his voice strangely calm. “You’re so slow sometimes, Hajime.”

“Your name’s on there too,” Hinata said dully, not knowing why he felt so sick looking at it. “It doesn’t look right.”

Komaeda put the bucket on the ground and looked at him. “I don’t see why it doesn’t look right to you. Everyone in the family has the name on the graves, right? It’s not like mine’s special.”

Hinata nodded slowly, watching the boy pour some water on the marker and the small crypt underneath where his parents’ ashes lay. He bent down to join Komaeda in washing the monument but Komaeda smiled and shook his head.

“Let me do it, Hajime.” He said softly. “I’m supposed to be the one looking after my dead parents.”

“O-Okay,” he said and stood up, staring at the ground awkwardly and wondering what he was supposed to be doing here.

It didn’t feel right when he was just a useless presence by Komaeda’s side. He knew Komaeda wouldn’t show him his feelings so easily even when he was here by his parents’ side but it still hurt him knowing that the only family that Komaeda had was already buried under the earth.

“Hajime you don’t have to look so tense,” Komaeda laughed “It’s probably sending bad vibes to my parents.”

Hinata snapped back to his thoughts and moved back. “Ah…sorry,” he said and bit his lip “It’s just- I don’t know what I should say.”

“Do you _have_ to say something?” Komaeda said absently as he continued to pour water on the grave and used a handkerchief to clean it as well as he could.

“They were your parents. I feel like I should say something, considering you’re my boyfriend.”

Komaeda looked down, turning his attention back to cleaning and Hinata wondered if Komaeda was acting like he hadn’t heard him again.

He continued to watch Komaeda as he rubbed the marker clean and traced his finger over the names etched on the stone.

“You could pray for them.” Komaeda finally said and it was said so softly Hinata probably wouldn’t have heard it if he hadn’t been looking at him so closely. “That’s what most people do, right?”

“I guess that’s true,” Hinata nodded, clasping his hands in prayer and thinking of what to say. “Is that what you do when you come here?”

Komaeda stood up, finally done with his work and smiled grimly. “I told you I’ve only been here once, right? I wouldn’t know any better than you.”

Hinata figured he wouldn’t get a better chance than this to ask him why. “Not visiting your parents’ grave…why would you do that?”

Komaeda took a long moment to answer, staring ahead at the names written so neatly on the stone now that they were visible clearly. “Probably because I felt like I didn’t deserve to.”

Hinata could guess what he was talking about. Knowing Komaeda, he most likely blamed his parents’ death on his luck. And ultimately, on himself.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he said as Komaeda’s hand slowly brushed against his. He twined his fingers around Komaeda’s long and slender ones and squeezed them just once.

“If you think of it in the broadest of terms then I guess you’re right,” Komaeda said, his expression surprisingly calm. Hinata wanted to know what he was feeling. “But you know better than that.”

Hinata looked at the monument that had looked so dirty and abandoned until a while ago and realized that it was probably because Komaeda hadn’t wanted to come here and see a reminder of how inescapable his luck was. No matter what he said, he was sure that, deep down, Komaeda hated what it had done to his life.

Hinata looked at Komaeda, staring impassively at the grave marker, not a trace of sadness on his face. “Did you cry?” he asked him.

Komaeda raised an eyebrow. “Cry…? When?”

“When it happened,” he said, gesturing towards the grave “When your parents-”

Komaeda shook his head, and sat down on the floor, legs crossed. Hinata joined him and felt the concrete cold against his body.

“What’s there to cry about?” Komaeda said simply “It was just a matter of time before it happened either way.”

Hinata could see Komaeda’s expression had contorted into a focused one, as if he was trying hard not to let any emotion show on his face.

“Why do you say that?” Hinata asked.

“Because my luck was bound to interfere at some point. It’s inescapable.”

“Didn’t that make you feel sad? Even if it was inevitable they were still your parents,” Komaeda looked at him when Hinata said that, his expression quickly changing into one of confusion and surprise. “They loved you…and you loved them.”

“I don’t think I deserved their kindness,” Komaeda sighed, looking at his hands. His voice shook. “In the end, it’s my fault they’re here and I’m not.”

Hinata didn’t say anything. He _couldn’t_ say anything. What could he say that would offer any consolation to him? He knew Komaeda had brought him here to tell him all these things, and maybe because he wanted him to be there for the boy.

He held Komaeda’s hand in his and brought it to rest on his lap, tracing his thumb over his palm.

Komaeda shook his hand free and stood up- he looked agitated. “Isn’t it almost ironic that I was able to be happy about gaining freedom when I’d lost the two people most precious to me?”

Komaeda’s expression fell for a split second when he said that but he took a deep breath and calmed himself before Hinata could really piece together what he was feeling. All he could tell was that Komaeda felt alone and lost, even now.

He always said that his parents’ death had given him freedom and money and that it was enough to balance the bad luck he’d experienced. But when he looked at Komaeda like this, it didn’t feel right.

“You never told me, Komaeda…but was the freedom that you got really worth it? Did it really make you happy?”

Komaeda shrugged. “I became rich after they died, you know. So much money in the hands of such a small child. It was a sort of consolation you could say,” he laughed softly. “But it was only a matter of time before I got bored of that. Spending money on myself wasn’t really something I enjoyed anyway.”

“That means you weren’t happy…?” Hinata asked, looking at up Komaeda and feeling as if he was finally getting closer to understanding him more. “Tell me, Nagito…have you ever been happy about what happened because of your luck?”

“Why don’t you tell me, Hajime? You know me well enough by now…I trust you.”

Hinata thought about it. “This kind of ending…that’s neither hope nor despair. You’d find it boring wouldn’t you?”

Komaeda smiled and leaned back on the balls of his feet. “It is. It’s a boring end. And frankly, I don’t know what to do about it.” 

Hinata stood up and felt his knees pop uncomfortably as he did. “Is that why you finally came here…?”

“I thought I might understand what I want to do from now on if I came here,” Komaeda said, a frown forming on his face. “If I keep going like this, without a sense of purpose…without anything to strive for, I feel like I’ll go insane.”

Hinata smiled. “I think I understand what you mean.”

Komaeda raised an eyebrow. “Do you?”

“We’re both lost, Nagito. I think everyone is…” he said, turning to face Komaeda. “We’re all struggling to find our place in this world…I know we’re not alone in that,”

“Not alone? That sounds like something you’d say…” Komaeda smiled and even though it sounded like he was mocking Hinata, he knew he wasn’t. He’d come to learn that about him. “But even if you say that, isn’t everyone alone in the end? Not everyone has a place in this world.”

Hinata reached out to touch Komaeda’s face and the boy turned his face so his cheek rested in his palm, a peaceful expression on his face.

Hinata smiled, feeling affection bubble inside his chest for the boy standing next to him. “But even if we’re stuck like this, in a life without hope or despair and no place to go to- don’t you think we still have the future to look forward to?” he said, “…A future we can look for together.”

“…Together, huh?” Komaeda repeated the words absently as he turned his eyes back to the monument behind them. “I wonder if that’s what my parents would have wanted.”

Hinata figured a graveyard was the last place he should have been talking about this --even though he’d been thinking about it for months-- but somehow it felt right. When he looked at the grave marker, the name of the boy he loved etched in there like a promise, he wanted to protect him and be there for him through everything. He wanted to share his future with him, both for Komaeda’s sake and his own.

He didn’t want to feel so alone anymore. Not when he had someone he knew he wanted to be with.

“I’m sure that’s what they would have wanted for you, Nagito,” Hinata said, his voice soft. “They would have wanted you to be happy.”

Komaeda took Hinata’s hand in his and smiled, a look of genuine happiness on his face and Hinata’s heart swelled at the sight.

“I wouldn’t have thought so at first,” Komaeda said, leaning forward and pressing his forehead to Hinata’s shoulder. Hinata lazily twirled his fingers in Komaeda’s hair. “But hearing you say it, I can almost believe that it’s possible…even for me.”

 Hinata grinned and pulled back enough to see Komaeda’s face, flushed a light shade of pink- he looked beautiful.

“Does that mean you won’t run away anymore?” Hinata asked, hopeful and happier than he’d imagined he could be. He knew Komaeda felt the same way.

Komaeda huffed and punched his arm lightly. “After all this time, do you really have to ask?” he said, a laugh in his voice. “Didn’t I say I couldn’t run away from you even if I wanted to?”

Hinata looked up and smiled, watching the sky open up before them like a blank canvas waiting to be painted.

He’d always felt lost in his life, not knowing what to do with his life and even though the future that lay before him was uncertain, talking with Komaeda and realizing he was just as lost as him, Hinata could feel countless opportunities open up before him.

They’d been lost for so long but they didn’t really have to find an answer to realize the loneliness that both of them felt in their hearts was just something they had created for themselves. It always had been.

The graveyard was a sad place --even lonely if he looked at the abandoned monuments that none visited anymore-- but as the two boys stood together holding hands, they felt as if it was a place where both beginnings and endings intertwined.

 

 

 


End file.
